Nonviolent Communication

 The most effective way for successfully communicating with others and achieve the desired result

“All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished…Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” -Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg.

The book was written by Marshall B. Rosenberg, and provides us with very powerful mental tool to handle complex communication problems, and achieve a win-win result. 

Key summary of the book:

1. What's nonviolence communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC Nonviolent Communication), also known as the "language of love", comes from Mahatma Gandhi's belief that love comes naturally after violence subsides. Oftentimes, we don't realise the way we talk is "violent," but our words do often cause pain to ourselves and others.  The author discovered a way of communication through which we will no longer rudely treat others' feelings and desires, and reshape our approach for conflicts in a very positive way.  This way of communication will unfold love, understanding and compassion, and enhance people relationship and make all of us be willing to help each other.  

Nonviolent communication applies at all levels of communication and in all settings, such as at home, in school, at work and in negotiation, etc.  Nonviolent communication is constituted with four elements: observation, feeling, need and request.

2. Communication that blocks compassion

Where does the violence come from? Sometimes, people speak languages ​​and expressions which are served to satisfying certain desires, but ignoring others' feelings and needs, which eventually lead to mutual alienation and hurt. This is called "alienated communication". It has the following forms.

Make comparisons: Comparison is also a form of judgment. We have seen too many comparisons in our lives. If you really want to live a miserable life, try your best to compare with others.  For example, comparing your appearance with a celebrity will make yourself upset, and comparing your child with your neighbor's will make your child hate you.  Countless "comparisons" have blinded our love for others and ourselves.

Avoidance of Responsibility: We take responsibility for our thoughts, emotions, and actions. However, people are always saying "I have to", "You make me to do this", "Like it or not, there are things you have to do", "You broke my heart". Clearly, this approach downplays personal responsibility.  And when we don't realise that we are our own masters, we block ourselves to become better persons.

Threats: The demands we make of others often carry hidden threats, which means they will be punished if they don’t cooperate. This is a common approach adopted by the strong. For example, parents will threaten their children: "If you don't obey me, I will not want you." The wife threatens her husband: "If you come back home late again, you better never come back home." 

3. Key elements for achieving nonviolence communication 

First, we need to distinguish between observations and comments.  Indian philosopher Kerry Shinamurti said that "observation without comment is the highest form of human intelligence." 

The first element of NVC is observation, where we observe carefully what is happening and describe the observations. The authors particularly stress the importance of distinguishing between observations and comments. 

We are accustomed to reacting to people and their behaviours through judgment and analysis.  For example, someone is 30 minutes late, we usually do not intuitively say that he is half an hour late, but directly say that he is often late and has no sense of time.  Confused about the observation and critique, people tend to hear criticism and react immediately. Nonviolent communication discourages absolute language, and instead advocates that comments be based on observations in a particular time and context.

The second element of NVC is to express feelings, but thoughts. If we can express our feelings more clearly, communication will be smoother.  Also, be careful to distinguish between feelings and thoughts.

Example: I don't think I can play the guitar well. In this sentence, I evaluate myself not playing the guitar well without expressing my feelings. As a guitarist, I'm a little lost (depressed, distressed). This sentence expresses how I feel when I think I can't play the guitar well.

When we say "I feel," we're often not expressing feelings, but ideas. In addition, there are words that express thoughts rather than feelings, such as abandoned, rejected, exploited, misunderstood, unsupported, etc. To express feelings more clearly, NVC advocates the use of specific language. Words like "very good" or "poor" make it hard to get a sense of where we really are.

Understanding yours and others' underlying needs is the third element of NVC.  Our needs and expectations, as well as our perception of what others say and do, lead to how we feel. When we hear unpleasant words, we have four choices. For example, someone angrily says, "I've never seen someone so selfish as you!", we can react in following ways: 

1) Blame yourself. We might blame ourselves: "Oh, I'm so selfish for not thinking about other people's feelings!" This can lead to guilt, shame, even hate myself;

2) Blame others. We might argue with each other: "You have no right to say that! I've always cared about your feelings. You're selfish!" We generally feel annoyed when we're arguing;

3) Understand our feelings and needs. We may find that we are a little sad because we value trust and acceptance.

4) Be mindful of the feelings and needs of others. We might think, "He may be sad and angry because he needs care and support."

Accusations, criticisms, and comments often imply expectations. Criticism of others actually indirectly expresses our unmet needs. If we make a point through criticism, people often respond by defending or fighting back. Conversely, if we speak out directly, others are more likely to respond positively.

The fourth element of NVC is asking for help.  In what way is it easy to get a positive response to a request? We want to tell each other clearly what we want them to do.

The use of abstract language should be avoided, and requirements should be expressed with the help of concrete descriptions. For example, the wife wants her husband to spend less time at work (which she doesn't want), but doesn't make it clear what she wants. So we encouraged her to express her need directly, saying, "I want him to be at home with me at least one night a week."

When we speak, the more clearly we articulate the response we want, the more likely we are to get a response. But sometimes what we express may not be what others understand, and we need to ask for feedback from others to clarify. Especially when speaking in brainstorming sessions, we need to be clear about our expectations. Otherwise, discussions may just be a waste of each other's time.

4. The power of empathy

First, you have to listen attentively. We are often eager to offer advice, comfort, or express our attitudes and feelings when others experience misfortune. In order to listen to others, we need to first put aside of our existing thoughts and judgments and fully appreciate the other person.  Listening to others facilitates understanding and acceptance of others.

Second, give others feedback while listening.  After listening to the observations, feelings, needs, and requests of others, we can proactively express our understanding. If we've got exactly what they mean, our feedback will help them realize it. Conversely, they will have the opportunity to correct us. NVC suggests that we use questions to give feedback to others.

Third, listening can prevent potential violence.  One night, a man who appeared to have just taken drugs walked into the rehab and asked for a room to rest. The lady on duty explained to him that all the rooms were full. Hearing this, the man threw her to the ground angrily and threatened her with a knife. Fortunately, even in this situation, the woman made an effort to listen to his feelings and needs. 

She later told the author that it was the author's words that saved her: "Never use words like 'but', in front of an angry person." "It seems that you are really angry, you want to have a room to rest." After she said this, the man couldn't help complaining about the disrespect of the world to him. So she went on to ask, "Aren't you angry when you don't get respect from others?".  The conversation lasted about half an hour. The more the lady focused on the other person's feelings and needs, the more she saw him as a desperate person with unmet needs. She believed that the man will not hurt her, and that's what happened in the end.

5. Connecting compassionately with ourselves

The most important application of NVC is to develop love for oneself.  In our language, there is one word that evokes shame and guilt very easily. We use it a lot to beat ourselves up. The word is "should have". For example,  "I should have known earlier" or "I should not have done that." This makes us feel helpless and frustrated.

The author writes of his own case: "After a seminar, many people gathered around me asking for information and asking for my autograph. In order to catch up with the next meeting, I rushed out the door and put the pen without the cap into the new pocket of the jacket. It turned out that the jacket was stained with ink. I was very upset. But luckily, I immediately started thinking about my "carelessness" and "stupidity" is to fulfil what needs? And I realized that there was no point of feeling upset as my need is to serve others and look after for myself. 

In our daily life, we should take the initiative to choose our lives according to our needs and values. We can perform below steps: 

Step 1: Make a list of things you have to do. 

Step 2: After making the list,  add "I choose to do" before each item you list. 

Step 3: Fill in the reasons for doing those things: "I choose to do it because I want to." When you think about this question, you may discover the value orientation behind your actions - what you value in life. That way, even if it's difficult, you'll be able to move forward with the support of your values.

6. Expressing anger and appreciation 

When angry, a lot of people hear things like "don't be angry" and "accept it." Not only were these words heard a lot, but they sounded like they were being taught a lesson, which did nothing to reduce their anger and pain. At the heart of anger is an unmet need. If we can use it to remind ourselves that we have unmet needs. Nonviolent communication does not advocate ignoring or suppressing anger, but expressing inner longing through a deep understanding of anger.

There are four steps to fully expressing anger: 

1) Stop, take a deep breath, and do nothing; 

2) Think about what thoughts make us angry; 

3) Understand their own needs; 

4) Express feelings, and directly say what we need.

In some cases, we do not have the opportunity to communicate with others. At such time, we need to use coercion to protect ourselves and others. We do this to avoid harm, not to punish others. For example, we hold a young child from running on the road for his safety. But if we spank him or scold him, it's punishment.

For example, once, the author went to visit a principal. During the conversation, he found that a student was bullying someone on the playground. He immediately rushed out and grabbed the student, pushed him hard, and reprimanded him severely. The author later told the principal: "I don't think you've achieved your goal. In my opinion, what he's learned is to pay attention to whether there's anyone else nearby when hitting someone weaker than him. Also, your approach may even reinforces his awareness of solving problems by fighting."

When we're down, we may blame others. However, if we are harsh to others and ourselves, our mood will not be much better. With nonviolent communication, we stop trying to analyze what's wrong with ourselves or others, but instead focus on understanding our needs, so that our hearts will gradually become peaceful. Once we discover our deepest desires and take positive action, we will regain our passion for life.

If you praise others insincerely, the other party can feel them. For example, once employees realize that the purpose of the manager's praise is to manipulate them, they may have a rebellious psychology. Nonviolent communication encourages us to express our gratitude from the heart and without any distractions and consists of three parts: 

1) What did the other party do to improve our lives; 

2) What needs have we met? 

3) How do we feel?

I encourage everyone to practice Nonviolent Communication in every communication you have with anyone, including your child, your spouse, your colleagues, your friends and your business partners, etc.  I believe using Nonviolent Communication, you will have a big positive change to your life.