Postive Discipline

The most effective way to help child develop responsibility, self-discipline, cooperation and problem-solving skills

There are many parents who feel that the child has become a particularly family problems, and they feel irritating and helpless. For example, the child likes watching TV, the child likes to eat snacks, the child is inattentive when doing homework, the child is behaving against the parents, the child is addicted to games, and so on.

Today we are going to talk about book by Jane Nelson, called "Positive Discipline". It will greatly help parents who are struggling in teaching and parenting children. The author Jane Nelson has seven children and is a grandmother or great-grandmother of 18 children, so she has a lot of parenting experience and her children are very successful.

Throughout this book, the key takeaway is being kind and firm to your children. If we can bring a gentle and firm parenting environment to the children, and let the children know clearly that the parents love them, the children can build their self-confidence, self-discipline, and learn to interact positively with others.

Every human being is born with the potential to become the world's most capable creature, not with the capabilities themselves. Humans acquire their capabilities primarily through apprenticeship: young human beings learn from those who have preceded them. When this apprenticeship is adequate, their toolboxes of life, which were empty at birth, are filled with the essential tools for effective living. In times of change, these tools, which we call life resources, are particularly critical. We refer to these qualities as the significant seven.

Our most important goal in raising a child is to develop their significant seven which are necessary for a person in his life:

1. Perception of personal capabilities—capable of facing problems and learning through challenges and experiences.

2. Perceptions of personal significance--capable of contributing in meaningful ways and believing that life has meaning and purpose.

3. Perceptions of personal influence over life—capacity to understand that one's actions and choices influence one's life and hold one accountable.

4. Intrapersonal skills—capacity to manage emotions through self-assessment, self-control and self-discipline.

5. Interpersonal skills—capacities necessary to deal effectively with others through communication, cooperation, negotiation, sharing, empathising, and listening.

6. Systemic skills—capacity for responding to the limits, consequences, and interrelatedness of human and natural systems with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity.

7. Judgment skills—capacity for making decisions and choices that reflect moral and ethical principles, wisdom, and values.

Many parents adopt wrong approaches in teaching children and completely failed to achieve above seven perceptions and resulted in very bad consequences.

The first common wrong approach is parents being too strict, and rigid, resulting in 4 types of consequences: resentment, revenge, rebellion and retreat.

The first one is called resentment, that is, I hate you because you bullied me, and I hate you so much.

The second one is called revenge, that is, if you don't let me make trouble, I will find a way to make you more troublesome under other circumstances. In revenge, if you don't give me face, I won't give you face today.

The third one is rebellion, that is the child will always behave in the opposite way that parents want.

The fourth one is retreat, that is I don't do it in front of you, I do it quietly, and you can't find it.

Being too strict and rigid will not be able to change your children to behave in a good manner, but only creating more problems between parents and children. In addition to above 4 types of consequences, there are more bad results such as lack of responsibilities and self-discipline.

A person's self-discipline comes from his level of self-esteem, and the harsh education approach will make his self-esteem level drop significantly. The lower the level of self-esteem, the less self-disciplined he is.

When your child's self-esteem level is constantly declining, the child will think that he is a person who has no ability to dominate, and he doesn't say anything, the only thing is to please his parents or make trouble with them.

The second is called indulgent, and indulgent is beyond the control of parents. Those parents normally said, just let him, it's child's nature, and doesn't matter. Those children grow without knowing the boundaries of right and wrong. They are more likely to cause harm to themselves and to others when they are growing up.

The core of positive discipline is that we must be able to learn to be kind and firm to your child. How to judge if an educational approach is effective? What are the boundaries? Jane Nelson said that the most important thing to judge whether an educational approach is effective is to look at four things.

The first thing is if you have made your child to feel unconditional love, and also aware of a clear boundary, so that the child will feel a sense of security.

The second is whether parent has brought a sense of belonging and value to the child. Children pursue two things in childhood. The first is a sense of belonging that I know someone loves me, and my parents definitely love me unconditionally. The second is the sense of value that I feel that I am quite special, and I know that I am valuable.

The third is whether the educational approach is effective in the long run? I've seen a lot of parents talk to their children coldly or yell very aggressively and children become obedient only because they are scared. This approach can only be effective in short period of time.

You have to think about long-term effectiveness. In many years later that when your child grows up, will this approach still be effectively?

The fourth is valuable social and life skills and good personal qualities.

Let's take an example. The child is in dispute with his parent and become very angry and fierce. Parent who gets angry and scolds his child is being too strict and harsh. Parent who doesn't correct and teach the child the right behaviour is being indulgent.

The kind and firm approach is different. Parent should leave the child alone for a short while, and calm themselves down first. And when the parent has calmed down their emotions, they should find the child and tell him they feel sorry seeing him angry, but understand and respect his emotions. But the emotion was not right as there was no respect for parent, that's why they left. Parent should tell the child that they love the child, but cannot accept rudeness and without respect. And parent should tell child that if there is respect, we love to find solutions together